I am an insomniac. At about 10pm each night, any careful planning I have done around “getting to bed early” flies out the window and I turn into some procrastinating, self-sabotaging hellbeast who needs to watch an episode from season 3 Masterchef that she found on TenPlay. THEY’RE PUTTING THEMSELVES ON A PLATE, YOU GUYS.
So, lately I’ve been trying to sabotage the self-sabotager by using a repeated pattern of thought to fall asleep. I’ve been imagining that Jane and I have won 6-12 million dollars (I vary the amount to keep it interesting) and then I set about imagining how we might spend / save / invest / donate it. The beauty of the “lotto meditation” as I’ve been calling it, is that it is so unrealistic that it doesn’t allow me to fret or get anxious about the real world (what I normally do, leading to insomnia). I’ve never bought a lotto ticket so it’s a fantasy divorced from my day to day life. It also involves doing maths in my head which, like counting sheep, I find calming.
Over the last week or so, though, I’ve started to really believe that we might win lotto (I repeat: I have not bought a ticket. InsomniacMaeve is ridiculous). And, with that belief, I’ve managed to allow my usual anxious late night self to filter into my imaginings. No longer do I drift off to sleep joyfully imagining that I am handing over a cheque to the Asylum Seeker Centre, paying off a parent’s mortgage or a friend’s debt, getting amazing clothes tailored in me-size or designing the house of my dreams (it has a slippery dip from the second floor, a massive kitchen and one of these for Jane’s cat).
No, no. Now, the following conundrums are keeping me up:
- What will I do if Jane and I want to invest the money really differently? Will she be troubled by how much I am choosing to invest in an all-expenses paid international tour for Lady Sings it Better? Will our good fortune spell the end of our relationship?
- Will my siblings resent me if I don’t give them enough money?
- What actually happens when you win lotto? Who do you call? Are you expected to do media? What if I don’t want to tell anyone I’ve won? Will people find out who I am, come to my house and rob me?
Despite being anxious and overthinking things, I still want to win lotto (I repeat: still haven’t bought a ticket). Last night, I climbed into bed and attempted to sleep. After much consideration of the above questions, at around 1am, I reached for my phone and googled “Australian lotto with best odds of winning.” After a further 15 minutes of reading a wikipedia entry on Australian lotteries (Powerball offers better odds of winning any prize, OzLotto offers better odds of winning the top prize), I put my phone down and admitted that my “lotto meditation” was no longer an effective means of falling sleep.
Anyone got a better suggestion?