Maeve: Hi, I’m Maeve Marsden and you’re listening to Queerstories. If you can spare a few bucks each month to help me continue to produce this podcast, because you love it, or you love me, please check out Queerstories on Patreon and consider supporting the project. Also, follow Queerstories on Facebook for upcoming events, pics and other good shit.
This week, Christian Hull is a comedian and creator who has accumulated over 600 million views on his videos and gained a loyal following of over 2 million on social media. Here’s hoping every single one of those people listens to this podcast episode! Christian’s podcast “Complete Drivel’ drives over 9,000 listeners tuning into each episode to hear his outlandish stories and general chit chat and currently sits within the top 100 podcasts in Australia. I’m not jealous, you’re jealous! Christian performed this story at Brisbane Powerhouse in 2021.
I just want to say thank you to Queerstories for having me, this will probably be the first and last time they’ll invite me because I’m just a disaster of a human. I moved to Queensland two years ago, I’m officially a Brisbanite. Fuck, it’s good here! No one wears shoes!
So I had to go to Melbourne recently to do the international comedy festival. Now one thing about Queensland is, you wouldn’t really know that the entire world is on fire. We’ve been very spoilt. If you’ve lived in Melbourne, it’s currently on fire. So as part of that I had to take my very first COVID test and it was a bit of a disaster. I landed, not personally the pilot did, and then had to go straight to the Alfred, where there Covid testing facility was. So when I got there I noticed there was a really long line, but it was socially distanced! Ah! How good is social distancing? Thank you Covid. I fucking hate people and Covid has just given me the gift of a lifetime because now, legally, I can’t be near anyone.
There’s nothing worse than going to a Big W or a Kmart and you’re lining up to pay and Susan is standing here. With her $5 Ugg boots sticking in your back and *heavy breathing*. Her hot breath on your neck, ugh! *Heavy breathing*. It’s perfectly acceptable to turn to her now and go ‘One point five! There’s a sticker on the floor!’ And in that situation I’m not the crazy one, she is. *Heavy breathing*.
So I make my way to the front of this queue and I’m greeted at this Covid testing facility by a nurse, who we’ll call ‘Doctor Death’, because she looked like Darth Vadar. She was wearing a mask, goggles, she had a face shield, she had an apron, a lead apron, a hazmat suit, she had a face mask on the face shield and she was wearing yet another thinner face shield. And I might remind you I had just stepped off the plane from… Queensland. So I was wearing; thongs, you know those really short shorts, the ones where your dick sort of hangs out the end of it? I mean not me personally… or does it? Could say, and I had a loose, open, flowing top, so I felt really underdressed and really unsafe at this moment. So I looked to her for some sort of information and she says to me ‘ho-hee-ho-hee-ho-hee-ho-hee-ho-hee’. ‘Sorry what?’ ‘Ho-hee-ho-hee-ho-hee-ho-hee-ho-hee.’ ‘Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I can’t understand you through the forty-five thousand layers of PPE you’re wearing. Please, say again.’ She says ‘Ho-hee-ho-hee-ho-hee-Medicare card-ho-hee-ho-hee’. ‘I’ve got one of those!’ ‘…These are not the droids you’re looking for. Live long and prosper.’ And she goes ‘Ho-hee-ho-hee-ho-hee’ and she points inside. At that moment I thought oh shit, bye everyone!
So I get inside, immediately I’m put at ease because I’m greeted by a tall, very muscular, male nurse. Ah! And he is wearing, not that many layers thankfully! Tight chinos; a noticeable bulge, thank you, collared shirt; very well fitted, great upper pectorals. He leads me over to a corner, I take him by the hand, he knocks it away. For Covid safety obviously. So now I’m standing in this facility and on the wall just here is a poster and its of a lady and she’s holding a swab being like ‘ahh’. And then the text says ‘don’t worry, if you gag you’re still doing it correctly’. Oh, I feel so at home. Wait I actually have that poster, in my bedroom. Question for the doctor though, not to brag but I probably won’t gag and I’ll still be doing it correctly.
He gets out a clipboard and he starts asking me these rapid fire questions. What’s your name? How old are you? Who are you seeing? Where are you staying? Stop it sir, buy me dinner! He then fumbles around, gets out a swab and he leads me over to a private booth. Ah! Closes the curtain, and I’m thinking well this is where the oral exam takes place so I’ll just assume the position. ‘Aaah, what? Oh it’s a self administered test. I have to do it myself, that sounds about right.’
So he says to me, it’s just five on the back of the throat, on the left, five on the right and five up the nose. And I was like, I’ll show him. You could probably paint the Mona Lisa on the back of my throat. So sorry, sorry everyone.
So he starts counting down, five, four, *gagging*. Oh my god, I’m so sorry. That’s never happened before. I mean it did in my early twenties, and then mysteriously disappeared. Three, two *gagging*. Other side, five, four, *gagging*. *Crying* Up the nose. Just give me a minute please *crying*. Can I have another swap? This one’s covered in my vomit. Five, four, *gagging*. Just doing my bit for humanity.
He leans over presents me with a tiny test tube and I slide it on in. Suddenly he pats me on my back and I’m out on the street. The test was over! That was amazing, that’s like every Grindr experience I’ve ever had! I’m lining up again!
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Maeve: Thanks for listening. Don’t forget to check out Queerstories on Patreon where you can support the project for as little as $1 per month. Follow Queerstories on Facebook for news and event updates, it’s been a weird couple of years what with the pandemic and me becoming a parent but I’m planning some big things in 2023 and I’d love you to be part of it.